Right. I've spent too much of my trip on the beach - drinking. Now is the time to sort out a place to stay, my Aussie bank account, mobile etc. I resolve myself to be up and about by 10am on Wednesday to get going.
Finally get out of bed at around 1pm, with the cleaning lady - who looks like an extra from Bad Girls who's been involved in a car crash - practically kicking me out of my room. I make my way towards the nearest internet cafe to start the search for a place I can call home until July.
As I browse the various web sites advertising both places to live and people looking for them, it rather depressingly reminds me of dating pages. Not because I have unhappy stories to tell about them, but because EVERYONE is so exceptionally boring. It is now an undisputed fact - backed by UN Security Resolution 44/wank/07 - that every single entry on a personals site must read like this:
'Outgoing, friendly, easy to get on with girl/guy seeks similar for flat share/friendship/maybe more(!!!). I'm fun to be with, relaxed and enjoy having a good time. I like socialising, but also enjoy a quiet night in with a DVD and a nice bottle of wine.'
It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, male, female or what you're looking for. All posts read like variations of this. Only the perverts are staying true to themselves. Are we honestly expected to believe that EVERYONE is like this? Is nobody out there moody, difficult, uptight, occasionally obnoxious and boring?
My favourite line that everyone uses - and I do truly mean everyone - is the 'I like socialising and going out, but I also enjoy a night in watching Love Actually' esque nonsense. There are two reasons why more people have adopted this mantra of presenting themselves than have started believing in God in recent years:
1) If you say 'I love to go out and party to the small hours all the time and live life to the full' you are basically admitting to being an utter piss head. It's ok to say these things to your mates, but not online. It makes you appear like an irresponsible alcoholic that neglects your body and your career. Heaven forbid you might actually be enjoying yourself - to a prospective flat mate/partner, you're vomit in the bathtub at 2am every night material.
2) If you say 'I like to stay in every night of the week and enjoy my own company' you are, at best, admitting to having no social skills and, at worst, a potential weirdo who could be found sniffing people's underwear. To a potential flat mate, you give the impression of not allowing the other person any space. To a partner, well, where do you start?
It is for these reasons , my friends, that the internet has banished from us any honesty and individuality. We all now like a quiet night in with a nice bottle of red (just the one, mind) and the odd 'wild' night where we might steal a traffic cone. You can imagine this 'person' that we have become at a festival:
'Yeah I went to Glasto last year, it was wicked. Coldplay were fab! We stayed up really late each night, till 2am, and smoked a few spliffs - nothing more major than that. I really liked the whole experience and I'm so into falafal and pitta now, but it was a bit muddy and I was glad to get back to the comforts of home.'
Urgh. Anyway, back to my house hunting. I look round the normal traveller sites, and also places listing gay friendly accommodation. There's always a sting in the tale with these ads, so to speak. The flat always sounds fantastic, the photos look good, the location convenient, the price a bargain, and then you come to the householders:
'My partner Brian, 52, and I would just love to welcome a lovely young lad to help us look after our pride and joy - our two gorgeous kittens, Kylie and Danni.'
I do actually end up seeing a few suitable places, and it doesn't look as if finding somewhere decent and affordable is going to be too much of a problem. I guess it's just a case of when I make a decision. I'm booked up in my hotel until next Monday, and ideally I don't want to carry on paying hotel prices much longer - even if it is only 30 quid a night.
On Wednesday night and Thursday lunch time I meet up with some people I have met/already know in Sydney, which is good. Monday and Tuesday at Bondi were fun, but the only social interaction I had with anyone was with bar staff, so it's nice to have a natter with people.
I get myself an Australian pre-pay Nokia - 40 quid for the phone, sim and $30 worth of top-up cards. Result.
2 comments:
Hilarious. You should keep this up and I reckon you could make it into a book. Should you care to. Anyway, have a fabulous time, and I look forward to logging in and seeing what mischief you have gotten into.
Take care and be good. Oh no forget that - what fun would that be.
Abi
Hey Matt
The more discursive you become the better it gets.. How about a lengthy peroraration on the impact of teenage chubbiness. ;-)
Careful with the flat hunting, check all the hiding places for lords of the realm wielding firm but laughable erections.
In other news, NCFC appears to be mourning your absence. If we get relegated I hope you'll be able to live with yoursef. x
p.s. Enough effing cricket.
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