"Are you Scotland in disguise?"

Today I'm off to the iconic Sydney Cricket Ground to watch England's hapless cricketers take on their tormentors Australia, in what is odds on to be another trouncing for Freddie Flintoff's men.

Why bother going? It's certainly a question I asked myself, but the case for this potential flagellation is quite compelling. I may never get the chance to see England in Australia again. In fact, I probably will not. Plus, a day at the cricket is a day in the sun having a few beers as much as anything else. And SCG night matches are some of the most renowned games in World Cricket. For the equivalent cost of around 30 quid, it's worth putting the house hunting on hold for just one more day.

The main street leading up to the SCG is Oxford Street (aka Sydney's answer to Old Compton Street). Hence anybody looking for a pre-match alcoholic pit stop has to call in at one of the area's many gay bars, although it has to be said the establishments called 'Camp' and 'Aussie Boys' still get ignored. In one bar I pop into, I have to chuckle as groups of butch Aussie cricket fans gulp down their scrooners next to the free condoms and lube. And the advert for this evening's drag act.

The SCG is set in acres of parkland next to the Aussie Stadium, which since the building of the Olympic Stadium only really hosts football (soccer) games these days. Both are ageing somewhat, but still cut a very impressive sight in the baking hot sunshine.

Once inside, I am greeted with some extremely depressing news. There is only one alcoholic drink on sale inside the ground - a light, to the point of being hardly alcoholic at all, lager. Locals protest, and I am left ruing not getting tanked up prior to entry. Over the course of the day I must get through about 20 of the buggers - to little effect.

I can understand why drink, hot weather and a partisan clash like Australia v England may ring a few alarm bells. But, seriously, when do cricket matches EVER result in crowd trouble? You can drink yourself stupid in the sun at a game in England - and thousands do - but the worst it ever results in is somebody putting on a pair of comedy breasts.

The grub isn't up to much either. For luncheon at the SCG, sir, one can choose from the following: chips, burgers, pies, crisps and pop corn. At Lord's (bit of an extreme comparison, I know) you can choose from a vast majority of foods from all over thew world, drink whatever you like and can even bring it all in yourself if need be.

The food and drink are the only downsides of a day's cricket here. The atmosphere is great, the weather is even better - and England even play some good cricket.

After winning the toss, England amass 292-7 from their 50 overs. Ed Joyce hits a ton, and is ably supported by the rest of the batsmen. It is a thoroughly professional batting display from England, and puts them in with a great chance of beating Australia for the first time since 2005. It certainly sticks two fingers up at those Aussies who, after hearing England were batting first, joked that the game would be over and we'd all be home by 6pm.

Australia's hopes of over-hauling England's total are largely dependant on Adam Gilchrist, the wicket-keeper batsman capable of scoring at a phenomenal rate. "It all rests on Gillly," says more than one local as I succumb to heat and hunger and queue up for pie and chips between the two innings.

As the first ball of the Aussie innings is about to be bowled, it's impossible not to look at the vast parts of the ground that Gilchrist could end up smashing the ball to. As it happens, the only thing that gets smashed is his stumps, as Plunkett dismisses him for a first ball duck.

England don't look back from here under the floodlights. More wickets tumble, and despite some belligerent hitting from Hayden and Symonds, England are always in control. The crowd turn to Mexican waves and constructing mammoth tubes from empty beer glasses for entertainment.

Eventually England dismiss the Aussies for 200 and claim a 92 run victory - one of their biggest ever in one day cricket over the auld enemy. It may be far too little too late for this tour, and indeed this team's reputation, but it is still a win on Aussie soil. From my perspective, I feel jammy as fuck to have witnesses this - not least after thousands of fellow poms ventured out here and saw nothing but defeats.

As I wander out of the SCG, England fans break out into ironic chants of 'Are you Scotland in disguise?' and 'Can we play you every week?' at the Aussies. It's all take in good humour. I think that most Australians are relaxed enough with letting us have just one night of glory. Perhaps.