Elton John is a homosexual

On Thursday morning I was picked up at the awful time of 7am to commence my expedition into the deepest parts of the Daintree Rain Forest.

In my haste to get everything into my backpack, I managed to snap off one of the straps. Nice one. I finally stumbled out of the hostel and into my transport with various bits of clothing hanging round my body and resembling a bag lady.

Ah yes, 'my transport'. In the brochure from which I booked this trip, I was led to believe an air conditioned 4x4 would be my carriage for the next two days. What I actually got was something more similar to the kind of van you normally see transporting football supporters up the M6.

Still, the van had an address system that allowed our guide to point out places of interest along the way. My particular favourite was when we passed a gay resort, resplendent with the obligatory rainbow flags, on the coast just north of Cairns...

"If you look to your right, folks, you will notice the flags outside that hotel. This is to indicate it is a gay resort. Believe it or not 'they' have their own nudist beach there. Relax, we won't be stopping there! There is actually a gay club in Cairns, called Nu Trix. One night when I was new to the city I heard music coming from it. I was about to go in when I saw two guys getting it on at the entrance. I never thought I'd be relieved to see such a thing, but at least it meant I was saved from going in!"

The tour guide's name was 'Little Brett'. I am not going to make any suggestions as to why he is called 'little'. What I can say without fear of being corrected by anybody, is that Brett is a rather unattractive and tubby man who is unlikely to be of interest to the average human being - whatever their sexual orientation. Why do so many straight people think they are somehow irresistible to gay men? It's as if they think the famous scenes from Police Academy when Captain Harris walks into the Blue Oyster Bar are an accurate reflection of how they are likely to be treated...

I wondered how 'Little Brett' was going to follow up his little insight into gay tourist attractions. Perhaps by inviting everyone else to join in with a rousing rendition of 'Elton John is a homosexual!' or 'Le Saux, takes it up the arse!'.

The answer came when we arrived at the Daintree River for our crocodile cruise. As everyone boarded the boat with their complimentary early morning tea and biscuits, the Aussie crew unsurprisingly tried to crack a series of rather predictable jokes about how we were all going to be ravaged by blood thirsty crocodiles during the trip. It's an unusual thing to say to your paying customers, but this is Australia. Anyway, then up pops our mate Brett. "I'm not sure those biscuits we've given you will satisfy the hunger of a croc," he offered by way of expert analysis. "Have we got any Germans on board? Good! If all else fails we'll push you guys over instead!"

To be fair, the day got a lot better from there. After spotting some crocs (hopefully you can make it out from the picture) we went on a generally informative jungle boardwalk before arriving at our destination for the evening - Cape Tribulation.

Cape Trib, as it is known, is one of the most remote parts of the rainforest. It was given its name by Captain James Cook, who's ship was damaged by the coral reef nearby in the late 18th century. He called it this because his experience trying to get the ship repaired in the area wasn't a pleasant one. He also named a mountain Mt Sorrow to reflect his mood. I can only assume the local Homebase was closed for the weekend.

I spent a pleasant evening in the settlement's small number of bars and restaurants. It was a highly relaxing to spend a night eating nice food, getting pissed and in good company - I met a couple of Sydney girls at the hotel who were highly entertaining. And there really is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing you are hundreds of kilometres away from anything else. Until you're ravaged by a Croc, I suppose...